Day 32: Alone with Autism

When I was in college, I had several Japanese roommates. 

It was an interesting time. Coming home at the end of the day felt like stepping into a world that I hardly knew. Unspoken Japanese expectations (like taking shoes off at the door) and a kitchen full of food that I couldn't read the labels for and had little idea what it was.

This time at home with my kids has helped deepen my understanding of autism. 

My guys are all what you would call "high functioning" autistics. In much of the day to day, they don't appear that different from neurotypical kids. Thanks to early on therapy, they've also developed a lot of skills and coping mechanisms to help them get through the day in a neurotypical world.

But suddenly, they don't like in a neurotypical world. I'm the only neurotypical here and many times I have the same feeling I did in college with my Japanese roommates. 

"I don't entirely understand everything going on here"

I've learned how much they rely on schedule, routine, place and other cues to help them navigate communication. With all those things stripped away, communication over electronic mediums is much more difficult and frustrating.

I've grappled with being a bridge between them and the neurotypical outside world. Zoom meetings, emails, text messages, people reaching out. They respond in their own time in their own way or they don't respond at all. Walking on the street, they don't fully pay attention to their bodies -- and I have to gather them together like little ducks to keep from getting scowled at by passerbys. 

It is an extra layer of stress to try to explain, or not... an extra layer of guilt... an extra layer of fear, wondering if all this lack of social interaction will cause them to "regress."

I've struggled with this post in my mind, wondering the spiritual lesson that God would teach me in this. 

I've felt compelled to share all the strengths of autism in a time like this -- something along the lines of one body, many parts. We each have our own things to offer. 

I've also thought about judgement and forgiveness. Saving space. Recognizing that different people have different abilities and preferred ways to connect to others and that I need to save more space for others who have different needs than me during this time.

Watching the boys today and all the struggle and all the victories of the day. I land on gratitude for a time that I am getting to know them more deeply. Seeing the inside world that is covered up by routine and schedule and trips... right now, everything is raw. We're just stuck in a small space together, getting by and so I am getting a more nuanced view of each of my unique snowflakes. They are wonders. As we all are. God made us amazingly. 

Grateful for the opportunity to ponder it.