Prayers Answered

The reflective season of Lent gave way to the joy and uncertainty of Easter. The hot July sun makes winter and spring feel like a distant past. It is the long season of Pentecost, a time of working out your call with the help of the Holy Spirit.

My longings and waiting of Lent has been answered and my life transformed. No longer pregnant, I carry little Andrew around in my arms. No longer wondering what will happen with Ulrich's work, he has quit his job and launched his own company. And in all of this God has been with us.

We often hear "Be still and know that I am God." I think my call for the past few months has been, "Be busy and know that I am God." I think this is a harder call. In the midst of the busyness to still recognize God's work in our life. I have seen it. In the way he pulled my family together and held us up at the loss of precious Micah Jon, in the way he's provided exactly what we need, when we need it, in how easy going and healthy Andrew has been so I could have the energy to focus on and take care of things that have come us even with a newborn strapped to my chest.

God is with us. In death and new life. In risks. In love. Always.

Lent Day 43: Condenmed

The words from the cross condemned me today. So deeply did I wrestle with them....

"Today you will be with me in paradise."
"Mother, your son."

In the midst of deepest agony Christ lived his final breaths with compassion. I have been meditating on this and today I struggled hard.

It's Holy Week. It's busy. I led a workout class and had music practice last night, lead a seder tomorrow, support Good Friday worship on Friday, coordinate a wedding on Saturday and celebrate Easter on Sunday.... and I'm pregnant, emotionally drained and tired. It's a lot, but its a very far cry from the cross. In that perspective I can hardly say the week is hard. It is full. Full of optional things I'm choosing.

Yet, I somehow feel that my busyness enables me to tune out requests for compassion. Every interruption today felt overwhelming. And each time I felt the urge to blow up, I heard the voice of Jesus speaking those words. Like Peter, I am ashamed. I failed my Lord. Perhaps, I can hope, like Peter, he will send the Spirit to embolden and lift me up to the challenges of discipleship.

Lent Day 42: Rhythm

I bought my drum today. It is a beautiful, hand-carved piece from West Africa with very real leather (can still feel hairs poking out of it). It has an amazingly large sound. I took it to the sanctuary and played it as loud as I could in the empty hallows. The sound resonated. Filling the space. I imagined worship. Ulrich read the 22 psalm as I drummed. For a moment we were with Jesus. Other musicians joined practice. Violin, Viola, Clarinet, Flute, Bass, Guitar... voices. We brought our gifts and a willingness to offer them for worship. What came together chilled me.

In that dark sanctuary, I traveled with Jesus. Even during practice. We journeyed through the cross. The love, the passion, the pain, the forgiveness, the abandonment, the letting go... So often, we watch the passion from the outside. We watch Jesus take on the weight of the world and we recognize his sacrifice.

This year, the walk seems more intimate. Rather than watching from the gates. Hearing the crowd. Following him down the street. I am listening to the words he spoke. Peering into his heart and discerning his teaching for my own walk.

Lent Day 41: Creativity

As I prepared my to-do list for the week I was struck by how different my tasks are from normal - paint a picture for friends wedding bulletin, buy drum and practice for Good Friday, email family regarding Passover Seder. Art, music, literature, liturgy, prayer, reflection are things that I rarely have the joy of finding time for in a life so dominated by rational planning and dutiful responsibility.

Letting myself venture to the creative half of my brain. Reflecting on meaning. Re-creating meaning around me in worship, words and art opens me to hear the quiet voice of God. A new revealing of the stories that touch this week. A new understanding of God in us and among us. A break from human paradigms to allow the spiritual to permeate my inner being.

My prayers reach out to everyone this Holy Week, that you may find a new way to connect to God and to the spiritual journey you have been called to. To the clergy and spiritual leaders, that your words and thoughts be lifted and inspired as you minister this week.

Shalom. shalom.

Lent Day 40: Walking with Jesus

Throughout Lent, our church has focused on various spiritual disciplines that Christians have used through the centuries. Today, as we celebrated Palm Sunday, we did it through the lens of the spiritual practice of using Labyrinths. Allowing your prayers to be focused by purposeful movement. The pastor had us stand up and walk slowly around the pews as we sang meditative hymns and listened to the passion story.

I nearly closed my eyes and dragged my feet as we drugged up and down the aisles. I listened to the story, looking at the cement floor below. I could feel myself walking the dusty Jerusalem roads. I could hear the sounds. I could imagine Jesus under the weight of the cross as he climbed the hill. I was, for a brief moment, with him.

And... Jesus was with me. 

Holy Week begins. The sacred journey.

Lent Day 39: Emotionally Drained

I realized today that I'm tired. Not in a "I need a good night's sleep" kind of way, but rather in a "I need some down time to recover from life" kind of way. Lenten practices combined with a number of major life changes and potential changes and supporting friends through various stresses has left me exhausted. I see the week ahead and I wonder with what strength will I make it through.

It is the exact place I want to be. Spirituality this week isn't going to happen by my own searching, but by God's grace. Achievements this week aren't going to happen by my own strength, but by the Holy Spirit carrying me. And words of love and encouragement that I may share with friends will most definitely not come from my own wisdom but by the fullness of God working in me.

By being completely poured out and unable to take one more step on my own, this Holy Week I ask God to carry me. To reveal the power of the cross and to lean fully into it. To be fully aware of my short-comings, my need for God, every day, perhaps every hour this week and to stand firm knowing that the temple curtain was ripped once for all time releasing God's presence to be with us - always, no matter what. Amen.

Lent Day 38: Friends

Today brought me many random encounters with acquaintances that deepened our relationship. A woman from my workout group got a masters from Michigan and we shared stories from our time at school there. A friend from church talked to me for an hour or more about things closest to the heart - our children, our marriages, our purpose. My neighbor stopped by to chat and to plan times to hang out. My other neighbor stopped by with a gift for the new baby.

For so much of my life in this town I have felt isolated. I have poured myself into trying to develop new friendships and a sense of community making little progress. I finally gave up. Realizing that life was full of family and work, I let go of my desires for friendship to more fully devote myself to my current call.

I think it was an important step for me to let go. To recognize the seasons in life and to embrace a time of wilderness with my family. To be more supportive of my husband and to be available to my parents and brothers... I am convicted that this is my current ministry and life's work.

But even so, God does not mean for us to walk alone. Days like this remind me that there is a potential to connect and love anyone who crosses paths with us. And that we do not need to travel long roads together to afford ourselves moments of sharing the journey. And, if we can recognize those moments, we can be a light. Sharing God's grace with the world. And, other times, we can be fed and hear God's own voice speaking words of encouragement to carry on.