Why do we have to do chores?
And maybe a bigger question, what chores do we need to do?
I was annoyed with my boys this morning. I had a day plan to do chores in the morning and spend the warm afternoon at the pool or the beach.
But they had other plans. They all decided to use hammers and break up some old concrete. It kept them quite busy for a long time. I think they find a freedom in Lent to return to analog play. The kind of stuff I did growing up. Hammering rocks was definitely something I did.
But I got annoyed with them as the day got warm and chores weren't done and we were long longer on track with my plan. So I sat them down in the backyard and we talked about why chores exist and why its important to do them.
Some of them are things we need to do to live - but and make food, bathe. Some are things that protect us from disease like doing dishes and cleaning out the refrigerator. Most are to protect and be good stewards of resources -- keeping the house from falling into decay, taking care of vehicles, laundry, fixing stuff, cleaning and organizing. And some are so people think well of us.
Being a mostly neurodivergent household, I can't assume they even see what I'm talking about. My husband didn't notice when I painted the house a different color or knocked a wall down while he was at work. And my kids can't be told to clean a room, they must be told "get the pencil on the floor and put it in the pencil container in the counter in the living room." Sometimes they pick up the pencil, but forget halfway to the destination and just set it on the table. So even when they do help with chores, it can take a loooooong time.
To be fair, some of them get medicine during the week to help them be able to do school the way other kids do school, sitting in a seat, listening to instructions and filling in the blanks in worksheets (which honestly, even with medecine doesn't always work well) but on the weekend, they take breaks so they are EXTRA spacy. Also to be fair, with age, they have made marked improvements, but each has a pretty limited scope. Eddie can do routine tasks like laundry and dish washer, but struggles with things that require attention or decision making. Andrew is great with cooking and helping with kids but has a harder time with things like "we are going to clean the yard for 20 minutes. "
During our chat about chores, we talked about these different strengths and how big families have to figure it out, because it is literally impossible for one person to manage all the work floor the household, there are just too many people to care for.
In the end we got there. We talked about new ways to work together. We considered people's strengths and limitations and the need for all of them to learn how to fully take care of themselves before they go out into the world. The chores got done... well, the essential chores got done... and Andrew lead playtime and worked in skills that Zander currently needs to work on. We took the van through a car wash, dropped off donations and had a Wendy's date for lunch. We ended the day watching a documentary about Mars to help miles start thinking about his science project.
Being a family is hard. Parenting is hard. Deciding where to push and where to adapt is such a tricky thing. And for me, trying to figure out "what normal" and what my kids "should be doing" and "what they can do" and what they might be able to do if I could just parent them better can get me into a bad headspace.
It is better, far better, to take the body of Christ approach. We are a family that must do all these functions to live and how we divide it up is best decided by the gifts and abilities we each have rather than by some "normal" way families "do this."
Blessings to you who parent. May God give you wisdom and patience, especially when it comes to the mundane, have-to- do bits like fixing the sink, taking out trash and figuring out the the 38 millionth time what we are going to eat for dinner.
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