Day 6: Things to remember when I'm annoyed with myself

 

"It's bad when you annoy yourself. "

I've always loved that song from Pink.  It's such an upbeat and honest song. It says...Yep,  I'm a hot mess. I struggle with mental health and I can dance and laugh about it.  

I had the kind of day that reminded me of this song.  

I just kept getting annoyed with myself.  

When you are annoyed at your spouse,  you can pretend self righteous. But when you are mad at yourself,  there's no pretending to be the better person... you just have to sit and take your own licks.  

This is a deep part of Lent. 

This discomfort. 

I want to brush it away and say I'm fine. 

But Lent says,  not so fast buster. 

Taking up new practices or fasting from things reveals something vulnerable, reveals truth about who we are and sometimes that truth doesn't measure up to the person we think we are or the person we want to be.  And to just sit with that,  all day,  to own it wholly,  is to create space to turn away. To repent. To let go. It doesn't feel great. 

Sometimes the annoying part comes from having to repent from the same things time after time,  year after year.  Like come on,  me,  get it together,  I thought we were past this by now. And so I sit in my self irritation looking for a pat to walk away,  again, from parts of myself that bother me the most.  

What's hard is,  often,  short comings are the flip side of strengths. So how to hold onto one without the other. So,  when deeply examining failures and where they come from,  I find myself not knowing how to let go of the bad parts of myself without scrapping the whole thing and starting over -- which isn't really possible anyways.   

The fruit of spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. 

God made me in God's own image and when I was born God said,  "She is good. " 

I think short-comings,  sin,  failure,  self-disappointment, whatever you want to call it,  the inability to live up to the person God created us to be stems from the gap between us and God and when we draw near to God,  we grow these fruits of the spirit which makes it possible to hold on to and nurture the light God has given us, while releasing the dark side of that personality trait.  

Take impulsivity, for example. 

Jumping in without thinking to help others in need is admirable while punching someone in the face who makes us mad is... not the best choice. 

The fruit of the spirit gives us strength to bend the impulsiveness towards courage and away from belligerent. 

I can look at my short-comings and ask how does the spirit transform these things into light? 

What is the flip side of that thing I'm struggling with?

Because as I reflect on that I can find who God created me to be and I can seek the Spirit's help to move toward that version of myself. 

In the meantime, as I sit, stuck with myself,  annoyed and wishing I could take a break from being me 

I remember

I am a child of God

Made in God's own image

Every day, every moment, I can choose to seek the Spirit. I can grow myself a garden and eventually the fruit will grow here - fruit of goodness and gentleness and self control. And that will be lovely.