Ever since we got the RV, I've gotten comfortable with the wilderness. I now pack the right things -- shovels, jumper cables, and a snakebite kit. In getting ready for a long RV trip I know it is going to be a bit uncomfortable. Space is limited so I have to pack carefully. Important things ahead of frivolous things. Nature is a wonder. The trade off of having less and being less comfortable is worth it.
As the mom, it is up to me to be the driving energy that launches our family off into trips. I organize, plan, look at the weather, identify potential spots, check supplies, pack appropriate clothes and the list goes on.
Lent is a time in the wilderness. I approach it with the same energy. I roll up my sleeves and think and plan and contemplate -- what am I going to give up? What new practices are going to push me in my spiritual walk. I know the 40 days will be uncomfortable, but beautiful much in the same way as those long RV trips to the middle of nowhere.
Today is Ash Wednesday.
I've been deeply needing a spiritual reset. Life has had a bit of malaise and longing. I've been fairly intentional in trying to seek out my next steps in faith and coming up empty. God has been elusive. Faith has been a practice requiring intention and commitment on my end. I've tried to create space for it but dispite those efforts, I feel like I'm drifting away from God. It hasn't been an easy season.
So getting ready for lent this year has almost been like preparing for a walk with that one friend with whom there is unresolved conflict. Practicing conversations in my head. Dreading and anticipating. Wanting it to go well. Ready for a fight if it came to that. Like Lents before, I expected this to be intense. I was hoping it would be. I am so hungry for spiritual renewal.
I took the day off.
The baby went to daycare. I scheduled myself to go to chapel with the kids in the morning followed by mom's group, spiritual direction and a lent phone call with a dear friend. I planned it to be a sort of private half day retreat to kick off this year's Lenten journey.
I had a hard time figuring out what my practices should be this year and I hoped that the day would help inspire me on a direction I could start to head out. Lacking inspiration, I decided that I'd do mostly the same thing this year that I did last year -- give up soft drinks, limit social media and fast food and support the kids in a fast from electronics. It's a reasonable list of practices but it didn't feel spiritually inspired as most Lents do. It felt like tradition. I wanted more... so I headed into this day with that energy I bring to getting ready for an RV trip.
What are we taking on this Lenten journey, God? Where are we going? What kind of outerwear should I make sure to pack?
I came rough and ready for an adventure.
God showed up with supplies for a spa day.
The day was surprisingly soft and nurturing. Every event, conversation and word was cradled with a gentleness that I wasn't expecting. The loud, chaotic chapel filled with school kids and the milling of parents, melted around me and I found myself connecting with the music and the receiving of ashes. Following service, there is a group for moms to connect and share motherhood and faith. I don't always have time to go, but I thought it would be a good addition to my retreat day agenda, so I headed over.
Walking into the room, I found the group topic for the day was of art therapy with an invitation to explore ourselves, our emotions and faith through art. Tables covered with different mediums -- pencils, crayons, paints, markers, sponges. Different types of paper at the front of the room.
"Ok, me, let's make some art."
"Imagine love -- the feeling in your body." The instructor directed. "Now find colors that represent that and start filling the page in front of you."
I felt a hug, a blanket and I started in with watercolors. Color unfurled from my brush swirling onto my paper. What fell out of my brush looked like a womb. A quiet, safe place where my body protected each of my babies as they grew. It created the space for them to become who they were going to become. As I melted into the color, I found God creating a space for me to safely grow into who I am meant to be. I imagined lent as a pregnancy, gentle and nourishing. Growing me into something new.
This did not feel like Lent. It didn't feel like the beginning of a journey into the wilderness. It felt like something between a therapy session and a bubble bath. I was both deeply comfortable and strangely weirded out.
Honestly, I didn't even know how to write today's post. It was so uncharacteristicly un-Ash Wednesday. But, sometimes, God surprises us.
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