I was standing at the stove, stirring mac and cheese for dinner and thinking about the day. Ulrich had to work late and I had been on my own with kids since 7am. The baby didn't sleep and so I was tired. Ok, exhausted. Kids were watching documentaries on YouTube and I was making a game plan for bedtime.
I realized in that moment how much I had grown over the last year. I remembered the first lock down almost a year ago. Alone in the house with all the kids. Tired from pregnancy. Wondering how long I'd be able to manage all these kids on my own.
At that point, I was completely overwhelmed. My patience with the kids and myself was significantly less. I had a hard time not snapping at them.
I realised a night like this would have been much more miserable a year ago. It would have been harder not because I was more tired or because the kids were worse . It would have been worse, because I would have made it worse. I would have snapped over something stupid and yelled at them and we all would have gone to bed in a giant pile of yelling and frustration.
The year has worn on me like a river over stones, slowly grinding out, shaping and smoothing me. Now, nights like this are not as hard. I expect them. I prepare myself to dive into grace. Over time, God has given me a deeper well of resilience.
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Lately, the kids have been having a hard time with electronics. Usually, increased behavior problems surrounding electronics time means that we need to take a break and reset.
It's a painful process. I take the devices away for a month. The first week is nothing but grumpy boys, random tantrums and difficult behavior. But slowly, they let go and find other interests. Electronics become less important and life becomes more balanced. It seems to be something I need to do about once a year, but it is hard to pull the trigger on.
I could tell the time was coming for a reset.
So in January, I casually mentioned that maybe Lent would be a good time to give up electronics. I was surprised that there wasn't a ton of push back. I brought it up again at the beginning of February. To my surprise, they were into it. They were in the middle of a "read-a- thon" when the prize was a day off of school to have video games and a pizza party. They voted to end the read-a- thon on fat Tuesday. We had an awesome party with homemade pizza, Cinnamon rolls and video games.
The next day, I was fully prepared for that regretful hangover. Everyone deciding it was actually a bad idea to give up electronics. I had carefully excluded pokemon go from the definition of "electronics" so we could still do our normal walk. I got everyone's shoes, turned on pokemon and started out down the street. A few blocks into the walk, Andrew handed me the phone.
"Mom, this feels like electronics. I think we should include it in our Lent. "
I was floored.
During the rest of the walk, I pondered what led them to willingly give up more.
The years of observing Lent disciplines have carved into the fiber our family. They've watched us year after year. And now, as they grow up it has become natural for them to have a season of letting go.
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When I look in the mirror or try on an old pair of jeans, I wish I could just draw a line around the fat I want to trim off And then magically make it disappear. But weight loss is a long game. The accumulation of many days of reducing calories. It never happens quickly. Every time I've lost weight it's taken at least a month to get anywhere and usually 6 months or more until my old clothes started fitting again. Honestly, weight gain is the same way.
Most major changes both good and bad are the slow accumulation life over days, weeks, months and years.
Even Zander who seems to be growing at that unbelievable pace that babies do is mostly the same from one day to the next. But flailing arms of the newborn become eventually steady. They begin to bat at things, then grasp, then hold.... eventually they can feed themselves and scribble and by sometime around 4 or 5 write their name. Cries become coos. Coos become babble and babble become words. And even though it feels like it happens overnight. It is literally the journey of 1,000 sleepless nights.
We live in a world of montages and time lapse videos. All those cooking videos where people snap their fingers and boom garlic is peeled and diced. Recipes take 20 seconds on Instagram. We have to be intentional to invest in long term growth and changes. And while we believe in a God that can move mountains, he rarely does. Instead, he holds our hand to journey together through them. And in the journey, we become.
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