Day 1: What should I give up for Lent this year?

 I usually start thinking about what I'm going to give up for Lent at New Years. 

I set up New Year's Resolutions knowing Lent will provide a booster shot. I spend those early days and weeks of the new year pondering...

Who does God want me to be this year?

 Where am I called to change? to grow? to let go? to become?

And in that process, I find something that I'm holding onto that I don't feel ready to give up permanently but am challenged to let go of during Lent -- 

To-Do lists,

caffeine, 

yelling  

Each has given me a unique journey of faith and grace as I journey through the gospel during this holy season.

This year, I had so many ideas -- intermittant fasting, no spending, no plastic,  no processed foods -- there was something in common amongst them all. 

Something about being content with less. Stepping back from being a consumer and connecting with creation.  Being content with where I am, who I am, what I am and offering something back rather than taking more to meet my "needs". Something about being ok when I'm not fully satisfied. 

A good dinner without desert.  

A groggy morning without caffeine.

A stressed out carful of kids without running to mcdonalds.

Less plastic. Less sugar. Less consumption. Less waste. Just less.

And leaning into more of what God might shape me into --

More patient

More present. 

More creative.

More grace.

The more I thought of this, the more I liked the idea of a Lent where I don't "give something up" but rather do "less of" and do "more of." I rarely give myself this kind of wiggle room.  Usually I  do something unambiguous. "I'm giving up X for Lent" It is clear. It is a discipline. With every temptation, I am reminded of my humanity,  my faith,  my brokenness and most of all, Gods ever present grace. 

There is definitely a time to struggle with a hard line --  It unearths a type of struggle between the flesh and the spiritual and makes it tangible for a defined period of time, heightening our need for God, for grace.

But this year, in this season, a gentler and also more extreme journey of reshaping feels more appropriate. It will not be about did I "break" Lent by messing up one time -- but more -- in sum, am I walking in the direction I feel called to walk? Can I follow God in this reshaping without the bumper lanes of a clear "discipline"? Can I do less and more and live in the spirit of Lent without a hard rule on how to do so? Can I be more gospel and less "law"? Am I being shaped in a way that reflects my faith into this world? Am I holding up a light?

For a year now, I've been wrapped in the cocoon of quarantine. Locked away with my little tribe. Mothering them. Working on myself.  Growing in the richness of faith.  Taking this lengthy time of isolation to do some of the deeper work that is difficult to do with busyness of a full social schedule. Honestly,  it's been a year of Lent. So many things given up.... school, library, pools, playgrounds,  friends,  restaurants, church gatherings.  And in the quiet, God has been silently whispering, growing me in new ways that I can't fully grasp.  And soon, we will be creeping out of our caves back into a world of "together" 

But I  know,  God isn't quite done with me. We got one more good cycle of reshaping to do before the world "gets back to normal." And so, this Lent, I want to open myself up to allow the Spirit to chip away at things that may more permanently shape who I become.

And here we are. Ash Wednesday. Again,  I dare to dive wildly into a season that I almost always hate and and deeply cherish. A season that painfully prunes so many areas and makes me wrestle with the hard, deep questions of life but leaves me ready for a new season of growth.