Friday, March 6, 2015

Running alone

The past few days my mind has been scrambled. I've started out some longer runs excited that I would really have space to allow the Spirit to work on me. Prayers interrupted by thoughts of feeling like I need a shower or change the way my hair is put up or what I need to do at work. I come up short. My hopes for gaining insight and clarity or inspiration  have fallen flat. It's the hard part of Lent.

Despite that, running is the one time I get to be alone with my thoughts. No diapers to change, no messes to clean, no meetings. It is freedom. 

I remember the wilderness of last lent, and the year before. The last few days have reminded me that my time in the wilderness is not over. I ache. The loneliness that comes when you are surrounded by people it the hardest kind for me. I crave depth and connection. Motherhood is such an overwhelming amazing journey and I want to share it authentically. Growing a startup is a mountain of continually laying aside self-doubt. I plug away at it. I look ahead, the wilderness continues as far as I can see.  Life is too full. Every moment of my life is claimed by children or work or house. I don't have the bandwidth for community even if magically one showed up. I'd make an awful friend.

Last night, during my run, I stopped at the cross-walk and a group of women who were running together stopped next to me. That chattered about pace and checked their phones to compare stats. It made me smile inside. And for some reason it made me run harder. While I love my runs alone, seeing them made me think -- one day, maybe I'll be back in a space where I'll be running in a group. I just have to keep on going till I get there.

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