Day 12: Lent is hard

I've officially reached the point in this Lenten journey where it gets hard.  Nearly every year I reach this point. 

I get irritated by what ever I gave up, feeling like it was silly to give that thing up.  I feel tired and confused.  I don't see God around here,  why am I going to all this trouble?

Spiritual disciplines are hard.  They require patience, humility, and perseverance. The change God works in us is like a butterfly in a cacoon. Profound but on the surface it can look like nothing is happening.  Day by day, little by little or souls are carved by persistence in our disciplines.

 Like in years past,  I don't feel like anything is happening.  I would rather ignore this commitment to create space for God in my life.  It is all so inconvenient.... But I know God has been drawing near.  Shaping me and my path. I can see small traces of new life growing in and around me.

Onward.  Though the path be uncertain or difficult. I'm not walking it alone. Nether are you. 

Day 11: How does the ocean always do that?

We ended the day by taking the kids to Alemeda to play on the beach.  Whether we go for an hour, an afternoon or a day, there seems to be something magic about going there. We step momentarily out of life and into a deep amazing peace.  All of us. The boys dig into the sand and water.  The water stretches out forever.  The San Francisco skyline is hazy in the distance. The sand squishes between my toes.  The breeze is light and salty. I put down my phone (except for pictures) and life seems to pause.

We go to the beach when work is stressful. We go to the beach when the weather is nice. We go when the kids need space. Regardless of what life is like before we get there,  we land and peace settles upon us.

"Peace be with you. " Jesus breathed on the disciples.  I imagine his words to feel like the expanse of the ocean. Infinite,  calm,  consuming. Like those first steps onto the sand. Life melts away and peace gently wraps around you.

Continuing my Lenten journey towards the cross and peace that passes understanding.

Day 10: Passed out

I usually write these posts from my phone while laying on the floor of my boys' bedroom as they drift off to sleep. The past few nights,  I've been overcome with sleepiness and passed out on their floor instead of writing my post.

There is in life, moments when biology is stronger than our will. Sometimes you want to stay awake.  You try.  But you can't. You slip into sleep.   Exhaustion, illness,  child birth, death.  When,  despite our best efforts to be in control.... biology ultimately controls us and we are just present in it. In those moments,  I think God is also present.  We have no choice but to surrender. And,  when we finally let go, the Spirit enters.

God is a mystery.  Particularly on the other side of death. What lies there I have struggled with my whole life... and my while life still I will probably continue to struggle with it.  But,  faith is trust not proof.  In the other moments in my life that required deep surrender, God has shown up. 

I've come to think that maybe death it's like birth. Child birth is hard. You try to control it.  You try to mentally stay on top.  But... eventually...you reach a point where you just can't.  You literally can't cross the gulf from where you are to the place where you will be when that baby is out.  But then,  it happens to you.  The pain overwhelming.  The effort past exhaustion... and then.. a cry. Joy.  Life.  That moment where pain collides with life.  That,  I believe,  is where God is most fully experienced.

Day 9: I have amazing flaws and I think that's ok

Today felt amazing.  I surprise myself when I consider how much my life is defined by my own perspective. Reflecting on the difference between days when I feel like my life is stuck in some dark rut and when I feel on top of the world,  there isn't always all that much different... except my own feelings.

I have strong,  wild emotions.  They at times are a remarkable strength lending me deep compassion or courage or persistence.  But they can lead me down paths I don't need to travel.  Fill my mind and heart with unnecessary negativity. And being the open book that I am,  all the good,  the bad and the ugly shows right up on my sleeve.

Because of this life, for me,  is an ongoing  battle of wills with my emotions.  Harnessing them and channeling them in a direction to make them an asset rather than a liability.  This battle is a place where I often meet God. Turning what could easily be a grave weakness into a strength a glimpse into the paradox of faith.  Working through the flaws in creation reveals the heart of God. 

I imagine my own children.  Their incredible flaws.  As a parent,  I feel a responsibility to help them overcome those flaws.  It is a great love that pushes to meet them dead center of those flaws and invite them to who they can be.

Love meets us in the heart of the flaws that make us who we are and invites us to who we can become. 

Day 8: The first nice day of spring

Growing up in the Midwest,  there was something magical almost holy about the the first nice day of spring.  The temperature might not even get above 50, but the sun would come out,  crocuses would peek their tiny heads above ground and the entire state would go outside. Barefoot,  tank tops,  radios,  picnics, frisbees and BBQ. On that magic day we would pretend it was the middle of summer. Grateful for the break in the cold and hopeful for warm days ahead.

We all knew in our heart that winter wasn't over.  That late February or early March would be simply unfathomablely early to banish snow for good. But we all pretended that perfect weather day would never end.

Living the past 10 years in California,  I don't get the magic of that first spring day in quite the same way.  But this year,  it has stayed chilly and gloomy a bit more than average.  Today was a real break in the weather that reminded my heart of the joy it used to feel at the onset of spring.

I think we all need signs of hope.  We may all have rough days ahead of us but the promise of spring... new life... water,  respite, renewal can go a long way in keeping our resolve to stay strong and preserve. Hope is essential to the human condition and the defining characteristic of lent. 

The season that begins "dust to dust and ashes to ashes" ends with any empty tomb.  How we get there is a mystery but hope,  tangible like the first day of spring,  goes forth beckoning us to follow trails unmarked to beauty not yet imagined.

Day 7: Being who you are made to be

I think for most of us,  life is a journey of discovering who we are and what we were made to do in the world. 

My brother found his path in high school. He wanted to help people live better through the vocation of physical therapy.  He studied it.  He worked hard.  He is damn good at it. 

Some people are called. Some are passionate.  Some are uniquely skilled. Watching people discover their path is one of my favorite pastimes. The part of us made in the image of God - creative,  life - giving. To find our call is to find our best opportunity to reflect God into the world.

I've always wrestled deeply with this. Unlike my brother, I am a bit of an odd duck. Fueled by an intense passion to make the world better,  I've traveled many roads. A jack knife of sorts,  I have a lot of skills but none stand out as particularly stronger than the others. Sometimes along my way my call is strong. I know who I am and what I am meant to be in that moment.  Other times, it feels weaker.  I lose my place. I get out of sync with life and I need to step back and pray.

Softening my heart, I seek to allow myself be molded back into the creation I was made to be.  If I get my will out of the way enough,  perhaps God will work in and through me to shine light into the world.

Day 6: The desert

Where are we going?

I feel like when I look to encounter God,  the Spirit often calls me into the wilderness. The wilderness feels like a worthless place to spend time.  Why did Jesus go there for 40 days? Why did the Israelites wonder there for 40 years? Isn't there a more efficient means to tap into what God calls you to be?

A few weeks ago,  I took the kids on a brief vacation to the desert. It happened to be the only place ion the state where it was not raining. I've never really been a fan of the desert but I'll admit,  in the winter, early spring it's kind of nice. There were pockets of life shooting forth after getting a bit of water.

I wonder if that's the point.  Maybe the wilderness is a place that is empty and hungry.  So when the rain finally comes we are ready to spring to life... or maybe it is to teach us gratitude for all the bounty of the promise lands in our lives. 

Whatever the reason,  the wilderness is not usually a fun place to be.  It's lonely, confusing and desolate. But it is a necessary part of faith and so again I trod into the wild spaces of faith hoping and praying that the Spirit will meet me there.