Day 36: Ugly photographs

 

It was an Ash Wednesday moment.  This body,  this face is going to deteriorate and one day decay.  It's a hard thought on a random Tuesday while trying to tidy up. 

I was cleaning up and an unused passport photo fell out of a file folder.  I don't know why passport photos are among the worst I've ever taken but this one was almost terrifying to look at.  My glasses were off as required and my face seemed to be melting off. Drooping and sagging in ways and in places that in not used to seeing in the mirror. 

I pondered my picture.  Was it bad lighting or do I really look like that? Should I look into skin creams.... I'm not that old. Our culture is obsessed with youth and beauty.  But I think human culture really always has been.  We don't see fat,  saggy marble statues from the Renaissance. We don't like to be reminded of aging and death.  

Jesus was unrecognizable after resurrection. I always wonder what that meant.  How could he look so different that he was not recognized by his best friends? 

There is only one time I can remember not being recognized by someone close to me.  I was in a wedding and I was dressed up with make up and contacts.  Eddie was just a toddler and had been babysat during the ceremony but was joining the reception.  When they brought him to me I was standing with the wedding party.  He looked bewildered at the group not really recognizing anyone. It wasn't until I spoke his name that he knew it was me.  It was the same in the story of Jesus with the disciples.  When he spoke and breathed on them,  they knew who he was. 

I always imagine that resurrection bodies are free from the fall - affliction,  disability,  disease,  aging. Are they conformed to human ideals of youth and beauty also... or are they somehow perfected in a way we cannot grasp?

Either way,  Ugly photographs are important. They jar me and get a reaction that both pushes me to acknowledge who I am in this moment and that I am mortal and I will age and my body will change in ways that I disagree with. They also give me a picture of my health and remind me when I need more sleep,  more exercise,  less stress or to eat better.  They put my vanity in check. 

And,  when I see ugly pictures of beautiful people, I realize that we are all on a journey with and in our bodies that are being broken down and built up. The face age and infection and trauma. 

Ugly pictures are part of being human.  

God loves our ugliest self.