Day 3: Embracing a new season at work

I've come to accept that my start-up is a teenager on the cusp of independence.

Anyone who has started a business can tell you, they are a lot like babies. In the beginning, they are simple but they occupy your mind and heart (and hands) most of the time. You stay up at night with them.  They need you to survive. You give your all and hope you have enough to keep them alive.

I remember starting our company. I was 31, bright eyed and full of ideas and dreams. I had no idea how any of it worked. How do companies find investors and raise money? How do you build a product and get a nice shiny box for it and sell it on the shelf at Target or Amazon? How do you launch an app and build a user base? How do you get your website top listed on Google? How do you get the FDA to approve something and make those official looking labels?

It was exciting. Like watching a baby's first steps, every milestone was a first for us and for the company. Our first prototype, our first blog post, our first pitch, our first FDA clearance. We did crazy things to make it work -- drive across half the country and sneak in the back door of a trade show floor to save money. Stay up all night running a marathon experiment.

Slowly, with every milestone, our start-up started to grow. We got employees, investors, a board and eventually hired a CEO and other management to help run the company. Like dropping your kid off at kindergarten for the first time, you wonder if these strangers are going to take care of your baby.

I worried.

They did things differently then I would have and I had to ask myself, is this just me being over-protective or is this something I need to stand up for. They knew what they were doing most of the time, but they didn't know or love my baby like I did and I winced a little every time the company fell down or faced growing pains.

I wrestled with this growth. It was a spiritual journey for me to let go. Of course, the minute it needed me, I was right there doing what I could. But sometimes, there were somethings I couldn't help with and it hurt. I also had to accept that people need to own the work to invest themselves in it and sometimes I had to take a humble road, serve in the lower ways and step out of the limelight. This, was hardest of all.

Now, I've come to a new peace. I fully accepted that the company is just about ready to go off to college. No more diapers or hand holding. My baby is all grown up.  I'm not done working there but I am no longer integral to its survival in this world. And that gives me back a part of myself that I need to redefine. I've changed and grown and learned so much over the past 9 years. I am not the same woman who jumped off that cliff all those years ago.

So, who am I now? and where does my path go from here?

Part of this Lent journey is exploring this question and listening for the wind to blow.

Day 2: Bilbo Baggins

I have been reading the Hobbit as our family night time reading. I forgot how fun the story is.

Last night, I was reflecting on my 1st day of Lent and I found myself feeling like Bilbo Baggins.
Initially caught up in the adventure of it all, then starting out and wondering "When is second breakfast?"

My lent practices are relatively simple -- deceptively so. The seem like no big deal. Totally manageable. And, I am glad to report, I did in fact make it through day one but it was harder than it seemed it would be and I'm looking at the long trail in front of me wondering if I should have ventured out of my cozy little hobbit hole at all.

Discipline 1: Drinking just water. 
This I knew would be the hardest. I love drinks. Teas. Bubbly drinks. All the flavors. Fasting from the flavor would through off meals where I have a favorite drink that goes well with the food. Think, milk and chocolate. Water instead just doesn't hit the spot the same way.

What I forgot about was that even though I'm not a coffee drinker, I do get enough caffeine in a day to impact me and yesterday... I had a headache. I also got heartburn. The water didn't sit as well. And all my hobbit self wanted to do was curl up with a hot tea and milk and feel better. 

Discipline 2: No Yelling
All the moms out there know that this is a tough one. I failed miserably last year and thought I would give it another go this time around. I realized I needed more preparation. You can't just say, I'm not going to yell and think that will work. Yelling actually serves a function. So, I needed to plan out alternative strategies for -- getting kids attention, getting kids to move when overly distracted, getting kids to stop when overly wound up, and blowing off my own steam when it gets to be too much.

Planning helped. I was able to use alternative strategies for most of the situations above. Although, this morning I briefly snapped  because I was trying to get dressed for an important meeting and Miles persistently climbed on me begging to be held (after I had held him for a solid 20 minutes). So to do list item for today. Find a way to emotionally release when I just can't deal. Any and all suggestions welcome.

Discipline 3: Daily act of kindness
This also should be small. It shouldn't be very hard to do something kind for someone everyday. But I placed a few stipulations.

1. Can't be anyone in my immediate family. I am supposed to be doing kind things for them all the time.

2. Can't be work that I would otherwise have planned -- writing a nice report for a co-worker also doesn't count. I'm supposed to be a solid team player and do good work.

3. Can't be planning an act of kindness. Looking at cute ideas on Pinterest for cards I might send my sister-in-law doesn't count. I actually have to send her a card.

So, taking time out of my day to do something wholly and intentionally for another person who is not in my normal sphere of influence takes some planning (doing things for people I don't see all the time) and presence (taking the opportunities to carry someone's groceries). So far, it's been, but I can tell that daily for the whole of Lent is going to be a tall order.

Discipline 4: Faith focused media consumption
Of all the practices, this will probably be the easiest.

Turning on my Pandora hymns instead of Meghan Trainer.

Reading devotions rather than clicking random "look at these people 50 years ago" articles on facebook.

Takes thoughtfulness but I feel will be overall a helpful practice.

I am not an avid media consumer. I don't have much time for shows or much other regular media consumption. But I do have 5 minutes for youtube here and there. The random articles and the radio in the car. And even that limited amount of media contains a lot of messages. A lot of additional thoughts to circulate in my brain.  And so, a bit of a fast from these things is a chance for my input to support the output.

39 more days...
No second breakfast or cozy hobbit holes to hide in.
Just an open road ahead of me. Calling me to experience the wildness of God.

Day 1: Who we are and why are we here?

A few weeks ago, my pastor gave a thought provoking sermon on the questions that serve as a central paradigm for our lives.

Who am I?
What am I to do with my life?

We all look to understand our place in this world. The meaning of our lives. Our greater purpose.

Some of us dive first into identity. If we can know who we are, from there we can figure out our purpose. Others of us start with purpose. If we can figure out what we can do in the world, it will define who we are and how we belong.

I've been thinking about this a lot coming into Lent this year. I've always been a "what can I do?" person. If I can do things, I can be helpful. If I can be helpful, then my life has meaning. And so I am always re-evaluating my priorities and trying to build in more and more ways to do.

But life, the past several years, has pushed back against that. Kids with special needs, a demanding job and health issues have pushed me to reduce.

Do less.
Be content with where I was.

It has been hard for me. I have the urge deep in to more. I've had to accept who I was and where I was and let go of all the hopes for what I wanted to do.

This lesson in humility has aligned well with the message of Lent -

I am dust, to dust I shall return. All we do is dust. 

Eventually, I found peace in this. To accept that all things fall away. All the castles we build. Everything is just temporary. I don't have to do anything. I actually can't make a real, permanent difference anyways.

And yet, in faith, even in this temporary nature of life, there is meaning. All of who we are and what we do is held in God's hands...and in this our lives have meaning and purpose. Just as I am, just where I am. I belong to God and I matter.

It took many lents for this to sink in.

But this year, as Lent came around, I felt space in my life and a different focus for my meditation.

I have felt slowly, slowly that life doesn't need to be quite so small anymore. There is more energy, more time and more of my heart available to give more to the world. And though I have learned to be content with trimming and letting go. All things have a season, and in this one I am excited because I feel new energy and changing of the seasons in life.

I feel called to new and different things. And if I dared again to ask the question -- what can I do?
I may be surprised by where it leads me.

In contemplating this, I've realized the world has changed a lot. The problems we face as humans are in some ways the same problems we faced 10, 20, 100 and 1,000 years ago and in some ways they are completely different. I feel compelled to re-learn and re-examine the way I look at the world. To put on eyes that are fresh and see things for the first time, the way my kids are.

What captures my heart?
What evokes movement in my soul?
Where can I do?
Where can I meet the pain and suffering, marginalized and broken parts of our world?

Usually, during Lent, I close myself off to impulsive decision making. I allow myself to sit and reflect the 40 days and reserve the season of Easter to allow changes and new direction to come into my life. But this year, I feel called to do the opposite. To turn and follow Jesus, if I happen to meet him walking down the road. This year, I will let faith be bold in me.