Day 37: singing off key

We've been practicing for a couple of months.  I had wanted the boys to try singing at church, they picked the song "He reigns" by newsboys and were interested in giving it a try. 

The song is deceptively tricky with its timing and nuanced chord progression, but the chorus is easy and catchy.  The boys decided to split up verses,  each singing one and all of them joining the refrain.  We practiced with the recording but didn't have the opportunity to do it with church musicians until this morning.  We don't mean to have judgement about imperfection but we're surrounded by polish and so the imperfect is notic

We weren't the Von Traps. But the boys were joyful, they knew the words,  they (mostly) for the tune and timing down and they followed the plan for who was singing what.  They got up in front of the church and sang. It was a little off. 

We're used to everything being so edited that we expect little kids to sound like those perfect child recordings or all of our doodles to look like the time lapse art that we see on social media. We aren't intentionally judgemental,  we are just so surrounded by editted, polished everything that imperfection stands out in our world.  

We have an internal reflux to fix things. To point out the missed timing,  the off pitch note. There's a place for that. 

But today,  my boys taught me there's a place for imperfect gifts. 

They didn't notice the errors in the performance,  nor were they overly proud. They treated church like any other day.  They just did something a little extra special.  I think it was between them and God. They had practiced hard.  They gave a good effort. 

God loves imperfect gifts given from the heart.

Day 36: adjusting back to life

The feeling of returning from vacation is this strange moment where you transistion from extraordinary back to ordinary. For me,  today it was checking in my plants and chickens,  unpacking the car,  looking at my planner and getting my mind around the upcoming week.  It was adding RV maintenence to my to do list and thinking about what else needed to be done before we put the RV back in storage. 

  This moment of touch down,  returning to life comes after vacation or a long weekend. It comes after a big game or Christmas or long awaited birthday party.  It happens after birth, after getting married,  after gradation, after the death of a loved one.  You go from a time cut off from the world,  suspended in moments that form you,  then you go back to school,  to work,  to the daily grind of living.  

In these moments, I have to put myself back together. I remember the past... what was happening before and what I need to take care of. But I also have to rearrange the pieces of myself and create space for new pieces... the pieces changed by those moments outside of normal life.  I have to make sense of my new normal.  Coming back from vacation,  my new normal is the same as it was, just a few new to do items.  But after the birth of a child or the loss of a loved one,  the new normal is completely upside down,  backwards and inside out from what life was before. I can hardly even ferment what I thought was important before. 

Sometimes,  moments with God are like this.  Outside of time,  separate from ordinary life and then... I have to come back to myself and take the pieces and rearrange my life around a new direction or a new self.   It's hard to do this.  There's a disconnect between "normal" life and "God moments." 

A new baby forces change. It's an uncomfortable transistion to sleeplessness and selflessness. But quiet moments with God are not so forceful. Up in the mountain top, everything is clear.  But as I muddle back to life, somehow I get less certain... confused. .. longing to just go back to the mountain. 

Tomorrow is palm Sunday.  The disciples are about to step out of life to journey with Jesus to the last supper, to huddle together at the terror of the events that play out in his last day and dump them out in the locked upper room where they gathered together and tried to figure out what's next. 

Holy week is an invitation to join the disciples on this journey.  To be blown apart by Jesus and stand on Easter morning scratching our heads wondering how to rearrange life around what God is doing. It takes time. Easter is a season that ends with Pentecost.  The pouring of the holy spirit who helps us organize the pieces and become the new creation.  Between now and then,  it is part of the journey to feel unsettled or confused. Those early disciples definitely were. 

May this week blow me apart and push me to consider how the pieces of my every day normal life are changed by it. 

Amen. 

Lent day 35: The nature of dragons

The boys love a book series called Wings of Fire that explores good vs evil in a complex web of relationships.  An interesting twist is that each book is written from the perspective of a different dragon so you can hear the thoughts and motivations behind different characters.  Sometimes re-covering parts of the plot as seen through different eyes. 

There is a dragon called Dark Stalker who has special powers of reading minds,  seeing the future and magic that basically gives him god-like powers. There is a warning that using powers like that can ruin your soul and turn you evil.  And,  of course,  Dark Stalker, becomes the super villan. But in the book, written from his perspective,  dark stalker is relatable, likeable and his decisions seem understandable. 

There is a unspoken question that the books raise.... is it possible to have infinite power and not be corrupted by it? It's the little everyday selfish nature in ourselves that tells us how we would handle power. How do we handle the power we already have - our intelligence,  our money, our influence? Do we use it for ourselves or do we give it away freely to help humanity? 

I don't think there are super villans lurking inside most of us.  But I think we are predisposed to put ourselves first and that with money and power we are tempted to benefit ourselves at the expense of others,  especially if the expense of others is conveniently hidden. How much do we destroy the earth or exploit the poor in our daily lives? Of course,  we don't overly do it,  we don't even see it. Some invisible evil corporations do it. Surely if we examine our decisions and actions where we know the outcome. Do we tell harmless lies? Do we compromise our ethics to make people like us or to make life more convenient? Not to hurt anyone of course,  just out off convenience. Is that where corruption begins? Does that nature inside us grow as power, influence and wealth increases?

Day 34: Breaking Lent

Heading out on our family trip, I took a deep breath thinking about what a road trip would be like given the things we've given up for lent this year:

- Mcdonald's (family)

- Tablets (kids)

- scrolling social media (me)

- Caffeine (me)

- all drinks besides water (me)

if I'm honest,  the list above is a significant part of road tripping.  The kids get time on their devices during long drives while I sip my diet coke and scroll Instagram.  The glorious break from motherhood. 

I was pleasantly surprised,  as we started out on our trip, at how well the boys entertained themselves during our long drives.  I still missed my diet coke but vacation was going well. 

We decided to get a hotel room for a night so the kids could go swimming.  They swam for hours. When the last water soaked boy climbed out of the pool,  the crying and fighting began. Everyone was HANGRY. 

The hotel was next to a Sonic. The boys had never tried it.  So we decided to walk over and check it out.  Miles eyes jumped out of his head as he scanned the menu finding a bright picture of a corn dog. "I'm having a corn dog!!" He exclaimed.  

I pressed the button to order and the reply came,  "we're short staffed. Only taking drive thru orders." "But we're on foot" I replied.  "Maybe we can get to you in 15 minutes.  No promises. "

I looked at the kids.  They were squirrelly.  No way would they last 15 minutes. Miles eyes beamed with excitement.  I looked around.  What other choices were there? Jack in the box, gas station, Walmart and Mcdonald's.  I turned to the kids.  "This is going to be a very long wait. Do you want to try Jack in the box instead?" I asked. 

 "Do they have corn dogs?" Miles asked. 

 "No,  but you can get chicken nuggets and fries. "

 "OK. I'll be flexible. " 

We headed over to Jack in the box.  As we neared the door,  we noticed a small sign.  

LOBBY CLOSED.  DRIVE THRU ONLY. 

I turned to the boys. "This is closed.  Do you want to see if the gas station has corn dogs?"

We turned again and headed to the gas station. We clambered in and headed to the concession area.  NO CORNDOGS. Miles started crying.  What now?

We headed out of the gas station and stood in the parking lot. "Do I suggest we break Lent and go to Mcdonald's?" Miles was falling apart.  He was sobbing. Starving.  Across the street,  I could see people inside.  The lobby was open.  

I thought of Jesus collecting wheat during the sabbath. 

I sat the kids on the curb.  

"Guys,  I think this is a moment where we make an exception about Lent.  Miles is so sad and I think we need to get food for him. " 

They nodded. 

"Miles,  would Mcdonald's chicken nuggets be OK?"

He blinked away tears and looked into my eyes.  Really? His little face seemed to ask. I grabbed his hand. 

"Yes" he said quietly as he stood up to walk to Mcdonald's. 

We all walked over to Mcdonald's quietly. Sometimes breaking Lent teaches as much as keeping it does. 

Day 33: in defense of Martha

 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

My kids destroy our RV at least twice a day during our trips.  Someone has to prepare meals,  prepare beds,  prepare the cabin for travel.  I find myself occasionally buried in resentment. 

Why do I have to be the only one who does this???

Often when I feel this way, this story of Martha and Mary pops into my mind and forces me to think about the moment.  Do I need to be cleaning right now? Am I missing something important?

But I also want to yell back at Jesus,  "of course Martha would love to sit there and listen,  but SOMEBODY has to feed everyone and make sure the essentials are taken care of.  It isn't magic Jesus. Not all of us have the option of performing a miracle"

There is a time to let the dishes stay dirty in sink,  to grab a quick snack instead of making a meal,  or skipping a bath to catch an important life memory.  Of course there is.  But the rest of the time,  the Martha's of the world make everything work.  They make sure we are fed and comfortable,  clean and have a good place to sleep. They are silent in the background working hard to make the beautiful moments in life happen. 

I can choose Mary moments,  but the world needs Martha. 

Day 32: into the wilderness

I was never much a fan of the desert. It seemed unnecessarily dangerous - hot,  waterless,  full of poisonous snakes. Void of life and with no real reason to go there.  Why would Jesus go out into the desert to pray? 

My boys love the desert.  Open space,  cool rocks,  things to climb,  lizards to catch and best of all being a million miles away from everyone and everything.  

Desert trips open my soul in a unique way.  There are few distractions here.  There is a type of isolated boredom and lifeless beauty that I have not found anywhere else.  It's hours and hours of down time that create space for me to listen to God in an unforced or unfocused way.  It is a meditation of rock and open space.  

I can't imagine 40 years or even 40 days wandering in the desert but that would surely be enough to turn the heart and open the soul to a new call or direction.  

Spring break for the boys is another desert trip and a I watch them scamper on hills and dig in the sand I quietly open my heart to listen to what the spirit might whisper. 

Day 31: where everybody knows your name

I went to the park with Zander this morning.  We go a few times a week,  sometimes every day.  I recognized moms who have a similar routine with similar aged children. 

Last year,  while homeschooling,  parks were closed.  I had a different routine.  The boys and I would walk a long route to get groceries and occasionally stop at a few shops or get McDonald's breakfast.  Again,  I got to recognize workers in the shops and other people who had the same routine. 

Before the pandemic,  my routine mostly consistently of morning drop off, work, afternoon pickup and home for therapy and homework. I would sometimes take evening walks in the neighborhood. But life was much busier. 

As I walked home from the park I started reflecting on this and the rise of loneliness in our society. I realized how isolating modern life can be.  Too busy to develop routines in places that allow strangers to become familiar.  Turning instead to social media, which is available 24 hours a day conveniently during the scraps of time leftover from all the other activities of life. 

Social media is addicting for me because it is an easy way to connect.  Our brains are (mostly) wired to be interested in other people's lives,  to feel a sense of reward when someone likes our comments on something in our lives.  We are wired for connection. 

These days when I walk,  there are a lot more strangers that I recognize. Familiar faces that smile in recognition as our eyes meet.  Quick greetings and short small talk.  These things add up to tell me,  I belong. People know me here. 

God lives in connection.  My favorite illustration of the trinity come from the book "The shack" which portrays God as three people in perfect relationship. Created in that image, a sense of belonging is core to who we are.  

Life keeps speeding up,  the farther we press on pass the pandemic.  Pushing up make up for lost time and lost productivity. I am quick to want to speed back up too. But it is important to remind myself that some of the rhythm I've developed over the past couple years is important as a way of grounding me in the place I live.