Day 34 : Mommy time

One of my lenten practices this year is spending more time with Zander. Since fall, he has been going to daycare 4 days a week and Fridays have been "mommy days. " I try to focus mommy days on Zander. We go to parks, read books, play Playdough and do all things little. For Lent, I added a second "Zander day" each week. 

 It takes a decent amount of effort to not put my to do list first on Zander days. There is of course some tidying the house while Zander plays trains. He helps me with the chickens and the garden. Sometimes we cook together or go grocery shopping. So Zander days don't mean i am not getting anything done but if you've ever done anything with a 3 year old, you know that you are making a choice either you are in their world, they are invited into yours or... you are each in separate worlds and you spend time occupying the 3 year old then retreating to your own world once you get them going in a direction until the moment they start breaking things or crying. 

 Today was Zanders day this week. It was the nicest day and the only day i didn't have anything else going on. So i gave it to Zander. 

Part of me wished he had gone to daycare so i could run, clean and garden freely. Tomorrow is my next Infusion and i have no idea how well I'm am going to feel for the rest of the week. It's for that reason that i choose this to be Zanders day. But it's also for that reason that it was difficult to let go of my to do list when i knew i could have sent him to daycare and gotten a better jump on the week. 

 Mommy time is special. Mommy time is when you, the mom, give full attention to the child. It's like date night with your spouse. It's set apart time even if you aren't doing anything special.

These times are both a gift and a sacrifice. It is time apart to give and receive love. Sometimes in the flow of the week, it is hard to stop - full stop - and turn my attention to my husband or children or a friend who calls or my mom. It's hard because it feels like it can be done anytime and unlike hunger or fatigue, a lack of love doesn't cry out in a way that forces us to respond. And yet... There is a rhythm of love. A period of time that feels like it's "too long." When babies were little I don't think I could easily go more than an hour or two then I needed them. I needed to check in with them as much as they needed me. There is this special unspoken partnership between a newborn the their mother. They need each other....desperately.... and there is no amount of time that is enough to spend with my babies when they were tiny. Ok, maybe a shower alone now and then felt good.

As they grew, the time we can spend apart without checking in has also grown but after a few days that have been too busy, i feel the urge welling up inside... we need some mommy time around here. With my husband, it's longer, a few weeks maybe. My own mom, a few weeks. My mother in law, best friend, siblings. Everyone has a rhythm where i start feeling like - it's been too long -- i need to check in. God. God has a rhythm too. In some seasons check ins are frequent. Some seasons I orbit more distantly and i don't check in as often. But time to give and recieve love is so important. Life gets busy and sometimes i can't hear my own heart. Sometimes i go too long without a date night, a call to mom, mommy time with my kids or a retreat with God. I find myself running low and feeling alone in the world. I can't figure out quite why. I feel like a fussy toddler who's ready to be picked up from daycare. I need love and i can't even use my words. I have found building more formal rhythms to help me remember to check in before my heart starts buzzing. Nightly bedtime routine with the kids is one of those habits. My Friday with Zander and a weekly lunch date with my husband. A monthly scheduled call with my best friend is too. Summer and holiday visits with my siblings. And... church. Weekly church and the liturgical calendar with my annual Lent practices and Christmas and Easter. These habits feel small and unnecessary. It wouldn't be a big deal if i missed here or there. But if i miss too much, my heart begins to feel hungry and tired. We all need mommy time.